Matt’s Hallmark Holiday Hell: “Merry & Bright”

On Nov. 9, 2017, throughout an OnMilwaukee editorial assembly, tradition editor Matt Mueller introduced up the craze of Hallmark Christmas films. It was a call he would come to right away remorse, as he was rapidly punished assigned to look at a brand new Hallmark film per week through the vacation season and write about his discoveries and lack of dignity. 

Two years later, having realized completely nothing, he made the error over again. 

These are the unending chronicles of Matt’s Hallmark Vacation Hell.

“Merry & Bright”

This Hallmark Christmas film stars Jodie Sweetin, a human composite of each “Bachelor” contestant and sweet canes. An entire lot of sweet canes. Which jogs my memory: Sweet canes are rubbish.

Sweet canes are the sweet corn of Christmas – besides sweet corn is definitely good, and sweet canes are Christmas decorations that we’ve been tricked into consuming. Yearly, any individual– a health care provider, a financial institution teller, your worst enemy – presents you a sweet cane, and yearly you need to fake such as you’re comfortable you bought it earlier than absentmindedly throwing it someplace to get crushed into minty mud. They style like mouthwash, they’re secretly annoyingly sticky and splintery, they’re tediously wrapped like CDs they usually’re much more tedious to eat. Both you crunch into it and homicide your tooth, otherwise you suck on it for 2 hours, slurping like an fool if you attain the hook. There’s a cause that almost all sweet canes are held on Christmas timber as ornaments: It’s the one factor they’re good for – effectively, that and sucking them into a pointy pointy shiv to guard your self with. In any other case, take these candies and launch them into the solar. The Valentine’s Day sweet hearts with the messages on them can go, too.

So better of luck to “Merry & Bright,” aka BIG CANDY CANE PROPAGANDA.

Who stars?

Jodie Sweetin, who’s now simply the second most notorious “Full House” alum with off-camera points. Snark apart, being a baby star in Hollywood is famously a brutal and difficult minefield, and a congratulations to her for getting by it, getting sober, getting candid about her battles (one thing we as a society battle with) and getting her diploma as a drug and alcohol counselor to assist others preventing with dependancy. Actually, that’s a narrative worthy of a film of its personal. 

She co-stars with Andrew Walker, a Hallmark common with chiseled jawbones sharper than ice skates. No, I’m not jealous by any means, nope; why do you ask? Anyhow, he as soon as made a multi-episode look on the unique “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” as Cole Harper, a cocky reporter co-worker with some WILDLY unlucky ’00s hair. I miss the times when trying such as you went exterior through the winter with moist hair was in fashion.

Holly jolly or holy hell?

Need to know the most important twist in “Merry & Bright”? It took THREE writers to place collectively this story. It took three folks to fill within the Hallmark Christmas Film Mad Libs sheet! I assume if you’re making a film making an attempt to make sweet canes appear charming and pleasant, you gotta herald reinforcements.

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